Dear Caleb:

I don't really know how to tell you this, but you're a pervert. I think I realized it when your dwarf bit me at the mental hospital and I saw you carve your initials into Bill Clinton. I'm sure you're high enough to understand that there is no solution to this. I'm returning your ring to you, but I'll keep the results of your blood-sample as a memory. You should also know that I told in my confession today about cocaine-abuse.

Greetings to your freaky family,
Ian


How to:

Dear (the last person who left a comment on your journal):

I don't really know how to tell you this, but ___1___. I think I realized it ___2___ ___3___ and I saw you ___4___ ___5___. I'm sure you're ___6___ enough to understand ___7___. I'm returning ___8___ to you, but I'll keep ___9___ as a memory. You should also know that I ___10___ ___11___ .

___12___,
-Your name-


1. What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - Our romance is over
Red - Our affair is over
White - I'll join the monastery
Black - I dislike you
Green - Our horoscope doesn't match
Grey - You're a pervert
Yellow - I'm selling myself
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're a loser
Other - I'm in love with your sister


2. Which is your birth month?
January - That night
February - Last year
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on sesame seeds
May - First of May
June - When you put cuffs on me
July - When I threw up
August - When I saw the shrunken head
September - When we skinny dipped
October - When I quoted Santa
November - When your dog ran amok
December - When I changed tennis shoes


3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Pizza - In your camping car
Pasta - Outside of Chicago
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad - As you ate enchilada
Chicken - In your closet
Kabob - With Paris Hilton
Fish - In women's clothing
Sandwiches - At the Hare Krishna graduation
Lasagna - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a state of trance
None of the above - With George Bush and his wife


4. What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Hit on
Red - Insult
Black - Ignore
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - Put leeches on
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the toupee off
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive out


5. What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My best friend
White - My father
Grey - Bill Clinton
Brown - My fart balloon
Purple - My mustard soufflé
Red - Donald Duck
Blue - My avocado plant
Yellow - My penpal in Ghana
Orange - My Kid Rock-collection
Pink - Manchester United's goalkeeper
None - My John F. Kennedy-statue
Other - The crazy monk


6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs - Man
O.C. - Emotional
One Tree Hill - Open
Heroes - Frostbitten
Lost - High
House - Scarred
Simpsons - Cowardly
The news - Mongolic
Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Senile
Top Model - Middle-class
None of the above - Ashamed


7. Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful I've felt
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That Santa doesn't exist
Angry - That your pimples are at the last stage
Depressed - That we're cousins
Excited - That there is no solution to this.
Nervous - The middle-east
Worried - That your Honda sucks
Apathetic - That I did a sex-change
Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your hamster
Cuddly - That I get turned on by garbage men
Overjoyous - That I'm open
Other - That Extreme Home Makeover sucks


8. What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your ring
Yellow - Your love letters
Red - Your Darth Vader-poster
Black - Your tame stone
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - The pictures from LA
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your contact book
Grey - Our matching snoopy-bibs
Purple - Your old lottery coupons
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your memories from the military service


9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your photo
C/D - The oil stocks
E/F - Your neighbour Martin
G/H - My virginity
I/J - The results of your blood-sample
K/L - Your left ear
M/N - Your suicide note
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X - David's tricot outfits
Y/Z - Your grades from college


10. The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Always will remember
C/D - Never will forget
E/F - Always wanted to break
G/H - Never openly mocked
I/J - Always have felt dirty before
K/L - Will tell the authorities about
M/N - Told in my confession today about
O/P - Was interviewed by the Times about
Q/R - Told my psychiatrist about
S/T - Get sick when I think of
U/V - Always will try to forget
W/X - Am better off without
Y/Z - Never liked


11. What do you prefer to drink?
Water- Our friendship
Beer - Senility
Soft drink - A new life as a clone
Soda - The incarnation as an eskimo
Milk - The apartment building
Wine - Cocaine abuse
Cider - A passionate interest for mice
Juice - Oprah Winfrey imitations
Mineral water - Embarrassing rash
Hot chocolate - Eggplant-fetishism
Whiskey - To ruin the second world war
Other - To hate the Boston Celtics


12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand - Warm regards
USA - Best regards
England - Good luck on your short-term leave from jail
Spain - Go and drown yourself
China - Disgusting regards
Germany - With ease
Japan - Go burn
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt - Fuck off now
France - In pain
Other - Greetings to your freaky family

It's been obvious for a good, long while now that I care too much about how I appear. Not appear like...hair and stuff...but how I portray myself. I can be very meticulous when it comes to that. So just to spice up my own life - since I'm not really in touch with anyone as of late - and let my friend(s?) get a good laugh... I present the stupidest things I have done.

Level 1
(x) said LOL out loud
( ) forgotten your own age
(x) tried to lick your elbow


Level 2
( ) said the wrong name in bed
( ) had unprotected sex
( ) hurt yourself sexing
( ) sexed yourself hurting ((...?))


Level 3
(x) Licked your toe
( ) Licked a frozen pole
( ) Licked a dog bone
( ) Licked a dog


Level 4
(x) drank old milk
( ) drank milk right from a cow
(x) ever thought chocolate milk came from brown cows
( ) drank Qwik right from the brown cow
( ) pushed a cow over


Level 5
(x) Eaten bugs
(x) Eaten garbage
(x) Eaten food off the floor after 5 seconds
(x) Eaten a booger


Level 6
(x) Been in a 5 seater Car with more than 7 people
( ) Been in a 7 seater van with over 12 people
( ) Driven in a 7 seater van by yourself
(x) Driven a tricycle past the age of 3
( ) Driven yourself home to the wrong house


Level 7
(x) Put dirty dishes in the fridge
(x) Put bowls of food in the dishwasher
(x) Put a full glass of juice in the cupboard
( ) Put salt in your coffee
( ) Dropped the cap into the glass your drinking from


Level 8
( ) Jumped over a car
(x) Jumped out of a moving car
( ) Jumped into a thorny bush on purpose
( ) Jumped off a bridge
( ) Jumped off your house


Level 10
( ) Forgot where you live
( ) Forgot your own birthday
( ) Forgot to zip up in the morning


Level 11
(x) Walked into a Pole
(x) Walked into a Wall
(x) Walked into someone
(x) Walked into a parked car


Level 12
(x) Won A Burping contest
(x) Burped the alphabet
(x) Burped just to break the silence
(x) Burped too hard and threw up


Level 13
( ) Eaten a whole bag of chips
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Eaten a whole pizza so no one else could have a slice


Level 14
(x) Caught picking your nose
(x) Caught going to the bathroom outside
( ) Caught with your pants down
( ) Caught having sex
( ) Caught sexing yourself


Level 15
(x) Shoved something up your nose
(x) Picked your nose and studied what came out
( ) Picked your nose till it bled
( ) Let your nose bleed to see the awesome blood all over you
(x) Blew your nose so goddamm hard your whole body hurt


Level 16
(x) Told a lie
(x) Been caught in a lie
(x) Lied to cover a lie
(x) Lied to cover your ass
( ) Lied to an undercover hooker cop


Level 17
(x) Laughed at someone in pain
(x) Laughed too loud and embarrassed yourself
( ) Laughed at a funeral
( ) Laughed so hard you pissed yourself


Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Believed in Santa past the age of 8
( ) Believed your folks that a bunny laid chocolate eggs in the house.
(x) Believed you were NEVER too old for trick or treating


Level 19
( ) Threw a party for yourself
(x) Threw a ball at yourself
(x) Threw up on yourself
(x) Threw a ball at a wall that returned directly to your crotch.
(x) Threw a superball in the house and took it right in the face


Level 20
(x) Pretended to know what you are doing
(x) Pretended you were hot shit
(x) Pretended you weren’t listening
(x) Pretended you were Spiderman


Level 22
(x) Fell on the sidewalk
(x) Fell down the stairs
(x) Fell UP the stairs
(x) Went sledding down the stairs


Level 23
(x) Tried to do a real cool back flip
(x) and busted your ass
(x) Tried to do a real cool cartwheel
( ) and didn’t lift your feet, retard


Level 24
(x) Ate food that you just kind of found
(x) Ate the mystery food in the back of the fridge
(x) Ate something nasty to get a laugh
(x) Cried when no one laughed ((although it was more of the pickled onions than anything))


Level 25
(x) Cried when you hurt yourself
(x) Cried when you didn’t get your way
(x) Cried over spilled milk
( ) Cried after sex


Level 26
( ) Gone swimming naked
(x) Gone swimming in a strangers pool
(x) Gone swimming with a hose in the yard
(x) Gone swimming in a stank ass pond
(x) Gone swimming in the bathtub like a champ


Level 27
( ) rode a Pony
( ) rode a Donkey
( ) rode a lawnmower pretending it was an awesome racecar
( ) rode a shovel pretending it was an awesome spaceship
(x) rode the dog


Level 28
(x) Locked yourself out of your house
(x) Locked yourself out of your car
(x) Locked yourself IN the car
( ) Trapped yourself in a child's plastic house
(x) Tangled yourself up in a rope
(x) Tangled yourself up in a hose
( ) Locked yourself in the trunk WITH the keys


Level 29
( ) over-cooked a fancy meal
(x) over-cooked the Easy MAC
(x) over-cooked a pop-tart
(x) over-cooked a tiny plastic army man
( ) over-cooked yourself at the beach


Level 31
(x) Bitten plastic fruit
(x) bit too hard and hurt your teeth
(x) bit down before the fork got in your mouth
(x) Lifted an empty soda you thought was full thereby flinging it
(x) Overcompensated an extra step in the stairs that wasn’t there


Level 32
(x) Mistaken a stranger for a family member and blabbed at them
(x) Mistaken a man for a woman or vice-versa
( ) Shaved your eyebrows
( ) Poked yourself in the eye with safety goggles! Sweet irony.

TOTAL: 82
Repost this with the title:
I've Done ___ of the 120 stupidest things

Today...I ate out. The local buffet, and dessert extraordinaire, Ryan's. It isn't a common thing for this family to eat out - in fact, we only went for someone's birthday. But I already want to return and get another helping of banana wafer pudding, more mashed potatoes, double servings of ham and cheese, and another glass of Pibb Xtra. (They did not have Dr. Pepper, I'm disappointed to say.)

This delicious streak of luck did not stop at the restaurant. We arrived at home and what shall I pull out but my very loyal...drawing pad. I am pleased to announce that I have a distinct style in my mind, forming on the paper as we chat. Unfortunately, I still have an entire MONTH (month!) until my drawing pad returns in the mail.

But I came to discuss the pictures themselves! Not complain about the disarray my dA portfolio is because of that cursed tablet. And the first picture I want to bring up is "The Caterpillar Man". (Ironically enough, I learned, as I drew it, that the Caterpillar Man was a woman.) This picture depicts an idea - been in my head so long that I couldn't wait to get it down. I can't go into detail. I mostly wanted to just put the irony in this journal. =B

Another piece...is the Angel of Death. I am definitely developing a style here. I like it, too. But I need prismacolors. Where are mah prismacolors?! He's so wicked. Bloody wicked, if you ask me. The whole scene is just screaming "watercolor" at me, so I guess that's what I may have to do, instead of colored pencil. The faithful colored pencil to be rejected for the watercolor. It's a risk, too, because I instinctively SUCK at watercolor.

Hmmm...well, this journal wasn't particularly interesting. Just a dabble about my day. I'm trying to meet the "one entry for every two days" quota that has so long bugged me. This is where I grow wary, because I don't have the faintest idea what could possibly satisfy me for the next several weeks. My calendar is blank.

Oh! On an extra note, I washed the cars today. It was sunny out and we used the pressure washer. My brother, sister, and I took turns spraying each other (not too close, though). The "game" was a blast, until the sun disappeared and it grew cold. That's when I heard on the radio that it's going to storm tomorrow. You know what that means: you wash the car, it rains, you have to wash it again. Shucks.

I feel mortified with myself today: the sickly whisper of nature as it was warped by the evils of...trash burning. Granted, I was not all to blame in the devious crime. In fact, my sole duty was to hose down the runaway remnants before they set chaos against our surrounding forest. In a strange, twisted way, it was my duty to protect nature while we destroyed it.

That was when I started thinking. It was something along the lines of, "Am I honestly supportive of the destruction of God's green earth?" This brought on one of those mental processes where you're so absorbed in reaching a decision that you neglect to hear your parents shouting, "STOP THE HOSE!! RAWR!"

Even so, I did reach a decision. This can go on no longer. The man who pollutes our air should not be allowed to breathe. Well, by Jove, that eliminates just about all of us and our reindeer. Now, at least, the giraffes and lions and turtles of the world can breathe in peace. But at our own price.

That is the extent of our problem. It is rooted in everyone, EXCEPT the little children in Africa who have no food, let alone a cigar. But by obtaining food, they would have gotten full of themselves and went on to invent something like the automobile or the factory!

Alas...I cannot pretend that the decision was not met with hardships. For example, we threw a Krispy Kreme donut box in the fire - and the smoke blossomed with the honey-glaze scent we all adore. I then thought, "Every small step man takes toward the environment, mankind backpedals twice as much."

I have no more to say on the matter, because I have sunk back into a neutrality. Do I support the destruction of the earth? Of course not. Am I going to go out of my way (AGAINST TRAFFIC) to 'save' the planet? I don't think so. I wish to quit participating in these dangerous escapades of my parents, where we join hands in a choir of "Burn, baby, burn", and instead promote the cute idea of recycling paper.

And I'm not calling my parents bad people either. I picked up one of the many books we murdered, and it was one of those "Top Secret Military [insert a million acronyms] Confidential Burn-when-done-reading" books. So it was natural that he burnt it, although in a much more glorious blaze than, say, a fireplace.

In other news, my skills are growing unrivaled. What I mean to say is what I shall now quote, from the play Grease which I participated in several weeks ago. This particular snippet is not modified in any way, it just play a note in my life:

"Hey, Doody, where'd ya get the guitar?"

"Oh, I started takin' lessons during summer vacation."

"Oh, really? Can you play anything?"

"Sure! Here's a C chord, an F chord, and a G-seven!"

"Well, hey, why don't you play a song for us, Elvis?"

...so I picked up an electric guitar finally. I am putting my attention right now into learning chords, as I found them useful when playing piano and even (dare I say it) harmonious. I have a little trouble when my pinky malfunctions, but that can be solved with a severe lashing.

Hmmm...lastly, I met with up with my best friend's sister and mother (he was at camp, his dad at work). They look exactly the same, since Missouri is the home of the alleged Fountain of Youth. (I have, of course, cupped my hands and tasted it. I think it was Kool-Aid.) We caught up on the times, he's still going out with this one chick, still pretending he doesn't like her when he's around his family...

That assures me in that, when I go back to school, everyone will be close to similar to what they were when I left. Of course, this is completely reversed by the fact that I am not even close to what I once was. Hmph. It's a tough call. Well, I'm rambling now and I smell like a trip to downtown St. Louis, so...